Got bored...I saw this on Maryanne's blog and decided to take it...



You're a true nature chick who loves the outdoors. Because you're always running from activity to activity, you have zero time for a full, fussy face of makeup. Instead, you want to be able to hop out of the shower, pull your hair into a ponytail, slap on some sunscreen, and go. Just make sure that your laid-back, all-things-natural attitude doesn't lead to you become lazy -even on-the-go girls need to glam themselves up sometimes!
What's Your Style? Find out @ She's Crafty

There are times when I just want to leave this place…it’s not a home, but simply a house to me. At times, yes, it does seem like it is a home to me. But most of the times, it’s nothing but a place where I eat, sleep, watch tv, and use the phone. Basically, it’s like a hotel to me or something.

My 2 older brothers are so fucking stingy! The 1st oldest can’t even help out with the party. I asked him to do the littlest thing like putting on the mailing addresses on the envelopes, and he said no…he doesn’t want to. Seriously though, I can’t remember him ever helping me out with the party. He’ll buy my cousins food and stuff, and when he takes our orders, he tells us to pay. How fuckin’ great is that?! Even my cousins know that both of my brothers are stingy. They have all this money…they don’t have a girlfriend/wife/kids, nor do they pay for the utilities or have to pay rent…and they can’t even buy us (my little brother and I) 2 tacos for 99 cents! I’m not stingy, when I have money, I’m willing to share w/my family and friends, serious. When I don’t have money, that’s when I start collecting the money that people owe me. But that’s understandable right? My brother got mad at me because I accidentally lost his page in a book, and it took him like 20 seconds to find it again.

The 2nd oldest…he’s stingy w/his cd player. I don’t have a cd player for my car (yet) so I asked my brother if I can borrow his tape thing and his cd player, he did, for a day! He came home from work and was like, “KAT, GIVE ME BACK MY CD PLAYER, YOU’RE NOT TAKING CARE OF IT, YOU’RE GOING TO SCRATCH IT UP”. Uh hello…it’s just a cd player and I had the cover for it on too! Biatches! Seriously, they’re so shady with everything, not just the cd player.

The parentals even know about them being stingy. I remember one time, my little brother and me ate one of my oldest brother’s hot pockets that he had in the freezer. He yelled at us, got mad…etc, and we told my dad, so he got in trouble. Ha-ha! You know what else? We even have to ask my brothers if we can open up the junk food and stuff, and even if there’s just a little left, we’re not allowed to eat it all. Stingy huh? They won't even let me use their cell phone. Well, okay, I was wrong (Jr...I said it again...I was wrong...), they do let me use their phone (they each have one), for like 10 min or less. It's so gay, because they have unlimited nights and weekends and I can only use it for 10 minutes.

When are they going to move out?! When will they leave and have a life of their own?! They’re 26 and 27 yrs old! MOVE OUT! They complain about money and shit, but both of them combine can hella make bank. But no…they don’t want to.

My brothers are going to tell on me because I talked back to them. Maan...they're not a brothers, they're fuckin' dads/uncles! My brother was outside taking down the clothes on the line, and he said to help him, and I was like, can't you do it by yourself? Then he didn't say anything, so I assumed that he could do it by himself, apparently not. He yelled, "WHERE ARE YOU GUYS AT?!" then I yelled back, "CAN'T YOU DO IT BY YOURSELF?", he said that I was talking back to him...but I wasn't! I was just asking can't you do it by yourself? Biatch!

They’re so annoying! So over protective…they’re not fun. And they get mad at me because I don’t hang out with them during the weekend. They do the same routine…go to Wal-Mart, Target, Best Buy, or to some mall. I’m tired of hanging out with them. And if we do go to the mall, I have to stay with them going to all the guy stores and shit. B-O-R-I-N-G! I can’t even tell them to meet me up somewhere.

Argh, whatever, this shit has been going on too long and I’m so fuckin’ tired of it.

P.S.

Something that made me laugh…

me: what's the funnest thing that you've done?
ras: uh
ras: sneezed and farted at the same time

Haha…comedy!

Oh yeah, one more thing, thanks to all the guys (my roses) that went to the recording!

That is all.

I can’t possibly tell you how I feel because I myself don’t even know where to begin. I can’t possibly expect you to understand because I myself can’t understand it.

I never want to hurt you and I'm sorry that I have done so before.

I’m scared that maybe you would just get even more frustrated and confused because I can’t stop being like this, that you can’t understand what’s happening at all and that you can’t do anything about it.

I know it’s unfair and I know you’re the one who is greatly affected by it.

Sometimes, I don’t even know what I want anymore. I don’t want to disappoint you. I don’t want you to regret anything in the future.

I’m scared that I won’t be able to live up to your and other people’s expectations. I’m afraid of failing and at the same time, I already know that I am a failure. I’m afraid that people won’t see that I’m good enough for you, that you would eventually realize that as well. But above all, I’m scared to find out that I can’t be a person who I can be proud of. I’m scared that I will bring you adversities that you don’t really need to encounter. I’m scared that I’m going to be bad for you.

I know myself. I can be extremely self-destructive and I can be complicated. I wasn’t joking when I told you that I was impossible. I’m hard to understand and I’m hard to handle while I’m easy to be given up on and I’m easy to be hated. I know that I can be someone you wouldn’t want to be with. Even I am frustrated with myself.

It’s not out of self-pity that I say these things. It’s much more deeper than that. It’s hard to understand because I cannot really explain this feeling of…lowliness. I don’t know. Sometimes, I just want to give up and run far away from all the things I know. Sometimes, I hear voices, telling me all the things that I’m scared of knowing about myself. Sometimes, I just feel so lost, that I don’t deserve to be happy, that I haven’t done anything right in this world. More often than not, I feel like I’m living in a place I cannot even see or feel. I feel so lost. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know where to find solace and peace, not in others, especially not in myself.


I know it’s wrong to feel like this. But I can’t help it. I don’t want to burden you with my issues...with my curse. I don’t want to make things hard for you. I have always brought misfortune to other people’s life and I have always messed things up. I don’t even know if I do this deliberately or not. All I know is that there’s something definitely wrong with me.

I love you. Please don’t think for a second that I don’t. You have no idea how much I love you. You have no idea how much you’ve given me. I don’t only mean this as a boyfriend, but also as a friend. Especially as a friend. You have made me happy during the time we've been together more than anyone has made me in a lifetime. You’re a great person. I can’t help feeling that I don’t deserve you. I can’t help feeling that in some way, I’m going to sabotage our relationship even more than I already have. I'm afraid that I might not be someone you want or maybe become someone you don’t want to be with. I don’t think I can handle that.


It’s so hard being myself. I don’t know how to make these feelings go away. I hate it. I don’t want anyone to feel awkward around me. I don’t want them to say things behind my back either.

I’m sorry for everything.

I’m supposed to be a lover of life and a woman of her principles, not caring about what other people think. I’m driving myself crazy you don’t deserve any more of this drama. You don’t deserve any of this b.s.

That is all.

Yes, I know that I haven't been blogging lately...but I've been busy. Well...not really, just really lazy. Hah. Ren and Jr keeps telling me that I haven't updated and that the last entry was dated on September 8th. It's hard updating this all the time...taking the time to write...it's even harder when people im you, then there's emails, times on the phone, watching tv, eating, sleeping, and then you still have to find some time to do homework! Here I am, on my short day, chillin' at Ren's house her and Joy make this collage thing for their friend that is going away.

I just realized that time is precious. It's really sad knowing that you haven't done everything that you've always wanted to do because there "isn't enough time".

I'm afraid that there isn't enough time to finish everything that I need to do for my party. I'm afraid that no one is even gonna go to my party or that, there's gonna be a lot of people that there isn't enough chairs or tables.

I don't even know what I'm writing about. I wanna write about how time is so precious and stuff, but I can't think because Ren and Joy are so noisy! So I'll talk about time and stuff next time. I'm listening to Enya-Only Time...this song is so calming.

Uh...yeah. Hah. My party is coming up...R.S.V.P people! Have to go and pass out more invitations.

That is all.

I remember seeing this some where, but I forgot...heh. I like it.

Don’t take for granted what you Have

Love is such a complicated, delicate, and very misunderstood subject. For those who have loved ones...make sure that your love is pure. Learn to trust and don't lie...keep things honest. Don't hide feelings because it will just make things worse. People.... (girls) I’ve spoken with have always broken my heart.

I thought being in love was the most incredible thing in the world until your dreams are shattered and the person you had feelings for takes a piece of your heart. And soon enough you won't have a heart to give out. Like myself...I have given up too much. I have almost nothing in my heart.

When people cry ...I feel nothing. When people are in pain... I feel nothing. When I look into the eyes of someone i loved and i see how they just broke me into infinitesimal pieces...then ...and only then...will I die over and over again.
Some have come to believe that famous saying:

"It is better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all"

I don't believe in that bull shit no more. Take care of the ones you love. Make them your everything. Your life...your total being. Cuz once you lose them...you will lose yourself.

Just trying to warn you guys.... cuz I can't stand to see anyone hurt...except myself.

That is all.

It sucks not being invited to a party…but it sucks even more if you weren’t invited to one of your close friend’s party. I heard that she (no names will be mentioned) was having one, and I was surprised that she never told me about it…especially since she’s like my candle for my party. She told me the reason. She couldn’t invite me cause her cousin and I don’t get along. I guess it’s understandable. But it sucks because the whole drama thing was so long ago. And it’s like, her cousin still can’t stand to be in the same room or something. It’s so gay. So my friend had an ultimatum, it’s either her cousin or me. And no doubt that you’re gonna choose your family ya know? So that’s why it’s understandable. I’m not mad or anything…well I am, at her cousin for making her choose like that. I’m the type of person who is a crybaby…it’s the whole Libra thing. Libras are sensitive. Heh. I don’t know…I just cry over the littlest thing…it’s so stupid, I hate it. But yeah, when my friend was telling me about this, I wanted to cry or something! Seriously, I was tearing, but I pretended to yawn so that she wouldn’t know that I was tearing. Slick huh? But yeah…it sucks. My friend was all giving an invitation to her party right in front of me. I wanted to cry when I saw that too. But seriously, to my friend, I just wanted to say, “I understand, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it…Happy 18th Birthday! Wish I could be there." I was thinking about just crashing the party since you don’t need to RSVP or anything, and I was gonna go w/her ex, cause we were talking about it yesterday, (I found out about this today) so yeah. I would too just to piss her cousin off, but I don’t want to disrespect my friend, so I won’t. Yeah, it sucks.

I was thinking in my head, it’s okay, I’m invited to a party of one of her cousin’s friend’s party that she’s known since like elementary years and her cousin isn’t even invited. I'm even in her court too! :P Yeah, it’s mean…but shit…that’s effed up that I’m not invited to my friend’s party because of her. So I have a right to be mean and mad right? RIGHT!

Anyways, September is always bad month for me…I always act bitchy and I tend to have emotional outbreaks or something…like one minute I’ll be happy, then the next I’ll be all pissed off and shit. September is the month of my mom’s birthday, wedding anniversary, and death anniversary, all in one month...sucks huh? So yeah, I’m always moody. I never figured out that I was always like this every September till I was in 8th grade. Trippy huh?

So yeah…this isn’t a great month for me so far, hopefully it’ll go better though.

That is all.